Eva Spoof Ep20: Guess What I Had for Breakfast?
by Nikholas F. Toledo Zu
Summary: [Mayhem] A slightly less visceral and definitely more cheeky take on an episode in the later, darker half of the series. WARNING: Spoilers, parody and descriptions of gratuitous chess involved.


Warning! Warning!   
  
-----------------   
  
-Contains explicit descriptions of WILD PASSIONATE CHESS!!!  
  
(sorry 'bout that...)  
  
-This fanfic only approximates the actual scenes in the 20th episode in the Evangelion series (where Shinji gets absorbed into Unit 01). Dialogue, continuity, and scene descriptions not necessarily accurate.  
  
nikolas f. toledo zu presents:  
  
a oneshot evangelion fanfic...  
  
==============================  
  
EVA-01 slammed unto the side of the steel pyramind of the NERV command center, its limbs flailing uselessly on the ground.   
Inside, Shinji frantically worked the control levers. "Move! Move!" he pleaded. "If you don't move, everyone's going to die! Misato-san, Ayanami, Touji, Kensuke, Asuka, Ritsuko-san, father, they're all going to die! I don't want them to die! Please..."   
The walls of the entry plug began to crack under the constant hammering of the 14th angel on the exposed core of Unit 01. "Please move..." he cried softly. "Please..."  
In response, a heartbeat echoed loudly through the sudden deafening silence.  
"Unit 01 is re-activating!" Maya Ibuki yelled as a blood-curdling roar filled the air. "And Shinji's registering an incredible 400 percent sync rating!"  
"What?!?" Misato exclaimed, watching as EVA-01 rose up to its knees and proceded to make mincemeat out of the angel. It was ferocious, ripping the angel apart with its bare hands, its eyes glowing in wild fury.   
All of a sudden, it stopped, the Eva's breath fogging in cool breeze of the geofront.  
Then, to the utter horror of everyone that was watching, it began to move again.  
"oh god..." Maya moaned, fighting down the hamburger she had for lunch.   
"What did we copy this from?" Ritsuko exclamed, horror written on her face. "What kind of thing is EVA?"  
"Shinji..." Misato gasped, staring at the horrible scene in front of her. "What are you doing?!?"   
With a loud roar, EVA-01 took out a small grill proceded to fry the angel in hot okonomiyaki batter.   
"It's going to eat the angel for breakfast..." Ritsuko replied. "After all this time, she's truly awakened. Nothing can stop EVA now..."   
  
dysfunctional cuisine:   
guess what i had for breakfast...  
an evangelion episode 20 spoof  
by nikolas 'mayhem' f. toledo  
==================================  
  
Gendo smiled as gazed from his windowed (understatement) office.   
"Is this part of your scenario?" Fuyutsuki asked from behind Gendo as the Eva flipped the angel okonomiyaki over with a spatula.   
"No..." Gendo replied. "I had expected the EVA-01 to ingest the S2 organ raw, like sushi. That's Yui's favorite, by the way, specially the ones they serve at the restaurant in downtown Kyoto."   
"You're not supposed to reveal that yet, you know," Fuyutsuki pointed out. "You should only give veiled statements that hint at the truth but seem to point at something else."  
"The truth is the best lie, so to speak." Gendo turned around. "It's time to begin, Fuyutsuki."  
"Yes... I almost forgot..." Fuyutsuki placed his hands on Gendo's shoulders. "I want you to hold the pipe and push your body up and down. That's right." Pause. "Wow, you're getting better at this, Gendo."  
"Yes..." Gendo replied. "Dr. Akagi is such a good teacher. Almost as good as you..."  


The smell of frying angel okonomiyaki made Kaji's mouth water. "So Ikari Yui was really a good okonomiyaki cook, huh? This is a plesant surprise."  
A mob of people emerged from the shelters and rushed towards the impromptu yattai that Unit 01 was hastily erecting around the battle site. Unable to control himself, Kaji dropped the watering can on his watermelons and joined the rush.   
"Humans eating fried angel okonomiyaki?" he thought. "Seele's not going to remain silent on this..."  


  
"...and did it MY WAY---achoo!"  
Keel Lorenz karaoke score went down a few points.   
"Damn... What's Gendo up to now?"  
The rest of the Committee cheered him on, and he began to sing the updated version of Barry Manilow song, 'New York, Rio, Tokyo-1...'  
  
Day 1  
=====  
  
Hyuga and Misato stood at the access platform, gazing up the stitched face of Unit-01.  
"We've got it strapped in pretty tight. There was a bit of a problem getting it away from all its customers back at the okonomiyaki-ya, but we were able to manage," Hyuga reported. "For the last 24 hours there's been no energy readings from inside the EVA, so I don't think that there's going to be any danger of it breaking free."  
"But it has done that three times before," Misato countered. "There was that one when it shielded Shinji from that falling steel beam. After that, it went berserk as it attacked the third angel. And you wouldn't forget that really gory episode when it broke out of that Shadow Angel in a shower of really-red-stuff-that-looks-like-blood."  
"That was a pretty cool episode!" Hyuga replied. "It made Shinji look really cool and made all those rumors about him stop for a while."  
She looked at him. "Oh, you mean those rumors..." Misato paused. "Still, it would be better to double-check on the barriers just to make sure. Unit 01 could be very unpredictable."  
Hyuga smiled. "Just like you, Misato-san."  
A cold silence met Hyuga's tentative complement. He turned away from her in embarrassment.  
"You bombed there, you know..." said Misato.  
"Pardon?" Hyuga asked.  
"You just tried to hit on me and you bombed, badly."  
"Sorry... It's just that you're the only available woman in the cast, since you and Kaji split up."  
"No, I'm not," Misato explained. "I get to...you know...with him at the end of this episode."   
"Hey. We still have around twenty minutes left. Lots of things could happen and..."  
"Sorry, I'd be OOC." Trying not to hurt Hyuga's feelings any further, "why don't you go out with someone else? There's still lot of pretty attractive girls around..."  
"I can't. Like I said, there aren't that many single women here." Hyuga ticked off with his fingers. "Ibuki and Dr. Akagi's been sneaking out lately with the Commander (goodness knows what they're doing). Rei is Rei is Rei. Asuka's has this thing for Kaji (and she's a bitch, if you don't mind my saying). Basically the only girl I haven't mentioned is Shinji's class rep, who has this thing for the Fourth Child, and nobody has seen his sister. Like I told you, there aren't any single women out---"   
A glint in Misato's eye caught his. "What?"  
Misato said, knowingly, "you left out someone..."  
"You mean..." Hyuga replied, astonished.  
"Yes..."   
  


Maya and Ritsuko looked over the alternate command center. "The chairs are a little bit stiff, and the interface seems a bit too crowded, but I think we'll manage."  
Behind them, Aoba and Hyuga were slowly hauling the pinball machine they had salvaged from the old command center which was trashed in the last angel attack. (Hey! What do you think they do in their off hours? Watch Seinfeld reruns?!?)   
"The damage to the base is pretty bad," Maya continued. "Unit-00 and 02 might take a few weeks, maybe a month, to fix. And we can't get anything from Unit-01. I don't think we can manage to defend Tokyo-3 in the meantime..."  
"I guess you didn't eat of the forbidden okonomiyaki, now did you?" Ritsuko asked.   
"Ritsuko-san, that's disgusting! No one knows where that food came from. It might have angel germs or something like that---" A startling thought came over her. "Ritsuko-san, don't tell me that you..."  
"Let's just say that the next time there's an angel attack, I'm going to be the one to intercept," she said, taking out a small spatula. "I'm going to eat another angel okonomiyaki even if it kills me..."   
  
Day 2  
=====  
  
"The Unit 01's not responding to the manual eject signal..." Maya reported.   
"We have no contact with the pilot. I can't even get Shinji's life signs..." Aoba said.   
"We can't interface with the Eva. It's rejecting all attempts to communicate... Wait..." Hyuga fingers worked rapidly over his keyboard. "I'm getting a visual from inside the plug suit..." 

He bit his lip as everyone stared him down. "I mean, entry plug! Entry plug, ok!"   
"On screen..." Ritsuko ordered.   
Main visual showed no sign of the Third Child. It instead showed a naked Rei upside-down while underwater spinning slowly to the tune of 'Fly Me to the Moon.'  
Maya, Aoba, Hyuga and Ritsuko slowly glanced at Misato, who was standing behind them. "What?!?" she asked.   
The four of them shared a look. "Nothing..." they chorused, smiling perversely.   


  
Shinji's plug suit floated lazily in his field of vision. "Where am I?" he asked. "I'm supposed to be inside EVA, but I don't feel like I'm here. Where am I?"  
In reply, an image flashed before his eyes. A disgusting image.   
A small purple dinosaur romped merrily beside him. "Hello Shinji! Huhuhuh! It's time to sing the 'I'm dreaming' song!" It danced around in the LCL. "I love you... You love me... We're as happy as can be..."  
"Oh no..." Shinji moaned. "Not again..."  
  
Day 3  
=====  
  
"A salvage plan for Shinji?" Misato asked.  
"Yes..." Maya replied. "Shinji's components have been diffused throughout the LCL, and most probably his soul is there as well."  
Ritsuko explained, "we're going to try and recreate this body inside the EVA. I going to use the data my mother gathered 10 years ago when Shinji's mom was absorbed into Unit-01."  
"Ritsuko-san, you're not supposed to say that yet," Maya pointed out. "Don't you remember what the Vice-Commander said?"  
"Sorry," Ritsuko apologized. "It must have slipped my mind. Misato, could you please try to forget what I said? This could mess up the continuity of the series."  
Misato nodded her head. "Sure! As long as you get to pay the check the next time you, me, and Kaji go out on a drinking spree."  
"We can't," Ritsuko said. "They're going to kill Kaji in the next episode."  
"Oh, shoot. I forgot," Misato replied, frowning.   
Maya tried to lighten the conversation. "At least you get to...you know...with him at the end of this episode."  
"Which is going to be in another 15 minutes..." Ritsuko said, looking at her watch. "Feeling up to it?"  
Misato blushed. "Well, it's been a pretty long time since we last did it, you know. But you know what they say, it's like riding a bike. Once you've done it, you never forget how to..."   
"Way to go, girl..." Ritsuko said, giving her a thumbs-up sign.   
"Before I forget," Misato followed, "if you think that we can still get Shinji back, why didn't they get Shinji's mom out when she got absorbed?"  
"What do you mean, didn't get her out?" Ritsuko asked, surprised. "She gets to have Fridays off. We go bowling in the afternoon."  
"Then why don't we let Shinji out now instead of waiting for a month to do so?" Misato asked, puzzled.   
"It's like this," Ritsuko explained. "Shinji and his mom are mixed up inside the Eva in one contiguous glop that if I don't plan this carefully enough," she gazed solemnly on Misato, "really really bad things can happen."  
Ritsuko's statement was met with silence. "Gosh," Misato said, "this seems pretty difficult. Are you sure that you can do this, Ritsuko?"  
She laughed. "That's because I'm the greatest scientist in the known universe! Hahahahahaha!!!"  
A little robot Ritsuko dressed in a lab coat appeared on her left shoulder. "You're the greatest, Dr. Akagi!"  
Another one jumped on her right. "Dr. Akagi! You're number one!"  
Ritsuko continued laughing hysterically as Misato bigsweated.   
Maya placed a hand on her face in expiration. "Ritsuko-san, I told you not to eat that okonomiyaki."   


  
Flash: Pictures of the 3rd to the 14th Angels  
Shinji said, "those are my enemies, all of them are my enemies."  
Flash: Pictures of Ikari Gendo.  
Shinji said, "he is my enemy. My enemy! MY ENEMY!!!"  
A flash filled the air as the scene shifted. Shinji was standing on the access platform in front of the EVA for the first time again. Gendo watched him from above.   
Shinji said, "why do I have to pilot this if it scares the hell out of me..."  
"Watch your mouth boy!" Gendo reprimanded him. "This is good training for you."  
"What training? What the hell--heck do you mean?"   
Gendo pushed his glasses up his nose. "Do not think that I do not know about the rumors. I promised your mother that I will make you a man among men, that you will save the world one day. But if those rumors are true, then you are nothing more than a failure."  
"What rumors? What are you talking about?" Shinji asked.  
"Do you deny those rumors? You yourself started them," Gendo's fierce eyes rested on Shinji. "You've been living with Major Katsuragi, and you make nothing of that fact. You had the chance to kiss the Second Child while she was asleep, but you chickened out and SHE had to be the one to kiss you. And most important of all," Gendo paused to gather his breath, "YOU HAD REI AYANAMI PINNED DOWN TO THE GROUND NAKED WITH YOUR HAND ON HER BREAST AND STILL YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!!! Don't ask me what people would think if they found out."  
Shinji realized what his father was driving at. He screamed. "I'M NOT GAY, DAD!!!"  
Gendo paused to regain his composure. "I don't know where you got your sexual orientation, but you certainly did not get it from me..."  
Shinji tried to match Gendo's cold tone. "What about those rumors about you and the Vice-commander then, huh?"  
That caught Gendo off-guard. "That is a classified matter," he answered, "and certainly none of your business..."  
  
Day 30  
======  
  
"Well that was a quick month..."   
"We're on accelerated time, Ritsuko-san," Maya reminded her. "Only seven minutes to the end of the show and we still have to do that climax scene."  
"Speaking of climaxes," Ritsuko turned towards Misato, "only seven minutes left, eh? All set to...you know...?"  
"Shut up," she replied. "You still have a job to do. We can all relax after Shinji's out. Are you sure this would work?"  
"Trust me..." Ritsuko clicked the 'Dr. Akagi's Great Scheme to Save Shinji version 1.1' icon. "I'm the greatest scientist in the known universe."  
"Yeah right."   


  
Perverse thoughts flitted through Shinji's mind.   
Misato said, "Shinji-kun, why don't you join your body with me? It is warm and comfortable."  
Rei said, "Ikari, why don't you join your body with me? It is warm and comfortable."  
Asuka said, "'oy baka Shinji, why don't you join your body with me? It is warm and comfortable."  
Shinji backed off. "Ah... Eh..." he sweated, "ah...eh..."  
"SHINJI?!?" All three screamed in unison. "What's your problem?!?"  
"Ah..." Shinji scratched his head. "Wouldn't it be---uh---difficult...something..."  
"Are you making excuses again, Shinji?" Misato asked. "Why do you keep running away?"  
"Well..." Shinji stammered, "it's just that...you see...I..."  
"Gosh!" Asuka pointed at him. "You really are gay!"  
"NO I'M NOT!!!" Shinji screamed back. "It's just that there's THREE of you and ONE of me!"  
In the background, Shinji's mom facefaulted. "Gah! What a pervert my son turned out to be," she said, shaking her head as she walked out of the scene.   
Without Yui's positive guidance (and automatic censorship) Shinji's dream turned from bad to worse.   
Rei's red eyes rested heavily on Shinji's. "It can be done, under the right conditions." She stood up, and the other two followed. "Wait a while, Ikari," she said, "we're just going to look for a whip..."  
"Oh no..."   
  


"Cyclic vibrations running along the main body!"   
"Pressure building inside the entry plug!"   
"It's coming! It's coming!"  
With a loud sploosh the entry plug burst in a geyser of LCL, spilling Shinji's parts all over the floor.   
Ritsuko and Maya remained standing, their faces reddening.   
"You didn't really have to phrase it that way, Hyuga," Aoba berated him.   
"Sorry... I didn't think it meant anything else..." he replied, scratching his head.  
Aboa shook his head. "Man, you should really get some."  
"What about you?" Hyuga countered. "Your sex life is the same as mine. Nonexistent."  
"Maybe it's time we started dating..."  
"You mean..."  
"Not with you, pervert!"  
  


Misato knelt at the access platform, holding Shinji's plug suit.   
"What's science for if we can't even save a single boy," she cried. "Shinji please come back..." she asked. "Please give him back..."  
Her tear-filled eyes turned slowly to the being in front of her.   
"Pen-pen, please give my Shinji back."  
And Pen-pen, moved by his master's tears, relented, spitting out an unconsious, but otherwise unharmed, Ikari Shinji(-kun).   
  


Ritsuko looked at her watch. "One minute, Misato..."  
"Oh gosh!" Misato cried. "I'm gonna be late! Can't have him start without me, you know... I think this is your stop..." she pushed Ritsuko out of the door. "See-you-tommorow-gotta-go-bye-bye." And her car roared off in the distance.  
"I can't believe her," Ritsuko said. "The moment Shinji's safe, she rushes out to...you know...with Kaji."   
She sighed. "Look who's talking." Gendo and Maya were most probably waiting at her condo by now. With luck, the Vice-commander's gonna be there too. That old geezer can last pretty long at his age, and with all the techniques he has swarming around his head... Ritsuko smiled wickedly. "Guess this is going to be another fun night!"  


  
(and now... the scene you've all been waiting for!)   
"Kaji-kun," Misato said, "don't you feel like we're--what's their name again?--Mulder and Skully from the X-files?"  
"You mean that we're like them because against a great conspriacy where people make veiled statements that hint on the truth but seem to point at something else?" Kaji asked.   
"No..." Misato deadpanned. "It's because there's this healthy bit of sexual tension going on between us and absolutely nothing happens until the very end..."   
Misato's voice turned sad. "They're going to kill you off in the next episode..."   
Kaji shrugged. "Well, the series IS going to end in six episodes. I'm getting paid as much as you are, even if I'm only a side character. Don't have any regrets you know... I did get to learn the truth."  
Misato looked into his eyes. "Tell me, is the truth really out there?"  
"No... It's right here," he said, making his move.   
Misato gasped. "Stop it, Kaji. You can't avoid the topic by doing that," she protested, but she made her move as well.   
"Or maybe it's right here," he said, slamming his piece in one particularly hot area.   
Misato moaned, angry at Kaji's sudden advances. But she made sure that his pieces were boxed in nice and tight.   
Moan... Gasp... MOAN... GASP...  
"WHAT'S THAT!" Misato yelled. "DON'T PUT WEIRD STUFF IN!"  
Kaji queened his pawn. "Checkmate!" he exclaimed pointing to Misato from the other side of the board. "You thought you could box me in didn't you! But I saw through your devious plan. You lose!"  
Misato raised her hands in surrender. "It's unfair! You know that I can't beat you at WILD PASSIONATE CHESS!"  
"You're a sore loser!"  
  
(can't say i didn't warn you...)  


=========================  
bonus track! bonus track!   
=========================  
  
Day 31 - Friday  
  
Ritsuko wiped the sweat off her face. "We've been doing this all night! Aren't you tired, Maya?"  
"Yes..." Maya gasped. "But the Commander and Vice-commander are still going at it! It's...it's incredible..."  
Pause.  
"Well, you gotta admit..." Ritsuko said, bending her head to follow them. "They're pretty good at this, specially the Vice-commander... Maybe I could get him to teach me."  
Maya nodded. "How can they do all that body bending, tiptoeing and twirling around all at the same time?"  
There was a knock on the door as figure entered the room. "Why hello, Mrs. Ikari!" Fuyutsuki waved. "You're here for that ballet lesson?"  
Yui seemed angry. "GENDO!" she yelled, flashing a katana before their eyes. "Don't you know what kind of a pervert our son is?!? Are you even sure he's a man?!?"  
The Commander hid behind Maya. "Scary lady..." he cringed. "Get her away from me..."  
There was a pause as a cold draft filled the room.   
"Why are you staring at me like that?" Yui asked, her face reddening. "Is anything wrong with me?"  
Gendo was too stunned to say anything.   
"Well, something seems to be missing in some places and there seems to be an excess in others..." Fuyutsuki said, looking her over. "I didn't know you were one of them..."  
Maya snapped her fingers. "So that's were Shinji got his weird sexual orientation!"  
Ritsuko banged her head on the floor. "I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE EATEN THAT OKONOMIYAKI!"  
  


Shinji woke up with a start to find gathered around his hospital bed Aoba, Hyuga, Kensuke, the old teacher from his class, and the rest of the male populace of Tokyo-3 High School Number Six.   
"Shinji!" they chorused, each of them taking out a bouquet of flowers. "You're the only unattached person in Tokyo-3! Please let us date with you!"   
Shinji screamed. "I'M NOT GAY!!!"   
"We know that!" they replied. "That's why we want to date with you!"  
Shinji turned green and tried to run away. But he smacked against the door and slammed to the floor.   
Kensuke helped Shinji stand up. "Are you okay?"  
"Yes... Good thing for this pillow on my chest--"   
Stop.   
Pillow?!?  
Shinji's eyes dillated in shock.   
This can't be real. This can't be real! THIS CAN'T BE REAL!  
Kensuke smiled. "At least we won't be calling you gay anymore..."  
"AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!"   
  
The End  
  
Rei stood naked as she pressed the play button on the CD player.   
"Gosh, I hate this part," she said, jumping into her washing machine.  
  
------  
Mayhem  
121698  
------ 


End file.
